Sometimes,I think my heart can’t break anymore and then I think of my father. And it’s like my soul is breaking. He was the only one who gave a fuck about me, who understood me. I wasn’t ready. Now all I have is a mother who doesn’t remember how much she hated me. Whose mind is deteriorating and I can’t hate her because she’s all I have left. I just want my dad back. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I bought a cheap printer when my all purpose one broke. Kept it on the off chance it could be saved. Fast forward a year. Fixed it today, and now I’m stuck with 2 printers.
I wanna be that person that has cute Skype dates with their SO and late night chats with their friends. I have a laptop with a webcam for this sole reason! Le sigh.
My name is
Do not forget it.
Mom was telling me that while my stepdad was drunk he flew off the handle when I got a package. Mind you, my mail comes in at 11am. Said I needed to give them more money for living at home.
So much annoyance. First off, I don’t get a choice. I have to live here to care for mom. Secondly, I’m not here most of the time. I am at work. All fucking day. I don’t watch cable. I offered to pay for Internet because that is what I do and he said not to worry about it. He drove my car so much that it is literally falling apart and then he buys a new truck for himself (which he can’t really afford). I follow their stupid rules ( I can’t leave after dark, have to be home before dark, they know where I am at all times, can’t use the dryer, can’t turn on the ac, have to ask permission to go anywhere, have to stop anything I’m doing and do what they tell me). I don’t eat much and I do buy my own food (and he eats it if I don’t hide it). I bought them a cellphone and I pay the bill.
I’m just, how much money do they need?! I would love to be like my friends, you know? Depending on my parents to bail me out and not the other way around. My brother keeps telling me not to feel guilty, just to leave. That is easy for him to say, he cut and ran as soon as he could. Then he ignored for years while I was stuck in hell. Now we are buddies. I just accept it because he’s still my big brother.
We have direct deposit now and I noticed I got paid more than I usually do. I asked for my check stub and saw I got a 15 cent raise. 9.15 an hour isn’t bad for a minimum wage job where rates usually are 7.25
I want like a shitty studio apartment. Crammed with thrifted cheap furniture. Somewhere in the city. A place where I can just walk or take a bus to where I need To go. I want a job where I don’t have to wear a brightass orange shirt and a hairnet. I want friends or hell even just one. Someone to go anywhere with. Someone who will come over for movie marathons or just hanging out.
I will make it out. And I will be happy.
I don’t like the taste of wine or most beers.
I used to write all the time. Any where in school you’d find me with a worn notebook and ink stained hands. Now, I haven’t written a new piece in years. I don’t know what to write and my attention span is less than conducive to completing anything.
I think it is because I’m in a rut. I need more people and experiences. But I’m so tired all the time.